12 Week rehaul: phase 1 result

After months of experiencing rapid weight gain/weight fluctuations, chronic diarrhoea, bloating, fatigue, exhaustion, elevated (then low) cortisol levels, ongoing oestrogen depletion, and heightened episodes of anxiety and depression - I finally reached out for help and signed up with a coach 4 weeks ago.

The accumulative misery of everything I was feeling and thinking honestly became unbearable, and unfortunately it took me reaching rock bottom once again to accept that something had to change - because I honestly couldn’t keep living like I was.

seeking help again
Seeking help and admitting that I needed to change was so much harder this time around then when I first did the same at the beginning of my eating disorder recovery. Back then, I was visibly ill, I was easily diagnosable and I had the support of my family and friends to encourage me to pursue an alternative, better life for myself. My disordered habits and ‘ ED voice' were so overt and recognisable, that I could separate a lot of what was genuinely healthy for me from what wasn’t, and I could more clearly chase the promise of a healthier Steph.

This time? I honestly felt so trapped and alone in the new little hell I’d built for myself. So many of my behaviours were subtle and seemingly ‘healthy’, so not too many people questioned what I was doing or could understand how it couldn’t’ be an ok behaviour. It didn’t help that I’d also built this hell upon an image of health and wellbeing on a growing social media platform. I was getting praised for ‘being healthy', and that validation meant that even when those closest to me did express concern, I wouldn’t listen to them. I’d put on weight, I’d fought a lot of my internal demons, and I had everyone (even myself) convinced that this alone was enough for me to keep doing what I was doing.

Deep down though, I knew what I was doing, and I was very conscious of the choices I was making for myself and the behaviours I was dabbling in - but unfortunately, the boundary between my former disordered voice and the new healthy Steph had become so blurred that while yes, I knew what I was doing, I couldn’t always see that it wasn’t the healthy thing to be doing. 

Facing up to myself when I was sick and weak was nothing compared to facing up to myself now that I'm stronger, stubborn and more resilient than ever.

plus, fighting against yourself when you’ve already felt like you’ve worked endlessly to get to where you are (and it still not be ‘enough’) is fucking hard.
It’s probably one of the hardest mental battles I’ve ever had to fight, and it took months of self-sabotage to finally stand up for my health.


So 4 weeks ago, I admitted to myself that as healthily as I was eating, as much as I was eating, as effectively I was training, and as much as I was making progress in some areas of my health…at the end of the day, I was still very ill mentally and physically.

Carrying a few extra kilograms in body weight and being able to eat chocolate every day meant nothing if I still didn’t have my period back, if I still felt the need to smash myself with 6 intense workouts a week to feel ok, and if I still hurled insults at myself every time I noticed my body fill a bigger space.

Four weeks ago it all just clicked for me and I wanted out.
I was so done with living a life that I knew in my heart wasn’t healthy, sustainable or making me the least bit healthy. I couldn’t hide from myself anymore, and I couldn’t ignore all the signs my body was throwing at me that it wasn’t thriving - it was barely surviving.

I reached out, I found a coach to help me with my diet and nutrition, and alongside some other specialists and the support from all my loved ones, I’m finally embarking on what I know is going to be an honest and successful journey toward self-love and recovery from so many of the things I’ve made my body and mind endure over the years.


the changes I've made 
To keep it simple, here’s a snapshot of what I’ve had to change already during the initial 4 weeks:

PLEASE NOTE, THESE CHANGES WERE TERRIFYING FOR ME TO MAKE. HALF OF ME IS A LITTLE SHOCKED AND IN DISBELIEF THAT I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO IMPLEMENT THEM, AND THE OTHER HALF OF ME IS JUST SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF, BECAUSE I WAS HONESTLY SO SCARED I’D NEVER BE ABLE TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS BUBBLE.  THE THOUGHT OF MISSING ONE OF MY WORKOUTS USED TO TERRIFY ME, I COULD EASILY STAY IN THE GYM AND PUSH THROUGH FATIGUE, ILLNESS AND EXHAUSTION UNTIL I HIT THE CALORIE BURN I ‘NEEDED TO’, AND THERE’S NO WAY I COULD EVEN FATHOM EATING LESS VEGETABLES AND ‘CLEAN’ FOODS IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY FEEL BETTER.

THE RESULTS 4 WEEKS IN
SAFE TO SAY, AFTER 4 WEEKS, I’VE MANAGED TO SECURE MYSELF THE FOLLOWING BENEFITS/SUCCESSES/WINS ALREADY:

• BETTER DIGESTION: MY CHRONIC DIARRHOEA AND BLOATING ARE GONE! I ACTUALLY CAN’T BELIEVE IT…I STILL GET A LITTLE BLOATED EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT IT’S NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I WAS EXPERIENCING BEFORE. THIS DEFINITELY COMES DOWN TO A COMBINATION OF EATING LESS FIBRE, PLACING LESS STRESS ON MY BODY PHYSICALLY WITH EXERCISE, AND REDUCING MY OVERALL STRESS LEVELS MENTALLY THROUGH MEDITATIONS AND AFFIRMATIONS MY COACH HAS ME DOING DAILY. I WAKE UP FEELING LIGHT AND ENERGETIC, AND NOW I CAN GET TO MY FOURTH MEAL OF THE DAY AND STILL HAVE A ‘FLAT’ AND SETTLED STOMACH.
• INCREASED STRENGTH: MY DETERMINATION TO DO HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING EVERY SINGLE DAY WAS DEFINITELY TAKING ITS TOLL ON MY BODY, AND AS MUCH AS I WAS NEVER GOING TO ADMIT IT, I WAS SEEING VERY LITTLE PROGRESS IN THE GYM. I STILL LOVE CIRCUIT TRAINING (AND CAN’T WAIT TO GET BACK INTO IT!), BUT THE SIMPLE FACT IS THAT I WAS COMPLETELY OVERDOING IT. I WAS SMASHING MY BODY WITH SO MUCH VOLUME THAT IT WASN’T RECOVERING, GROWING OR PROGRESSING. IT WAS INFLAMED AND HOLDING ON TO WATER, AND I WOULD CRASH AND BURN EVERY MONTH OR SO. NOW I HAVE A SET PROGRAM THAT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT PROPER PROGRESSION, PLANNED DELOADS EVERY 4TH WEEK AND IS OVERALL A MUCH MORE SMARTER WAY TO TRAIN. MY WEIGHTS ARE INCREASING EVERY WEEK, AND I’M FEELING SO MUCH MORE EMPOWERED BY MY STRENGTHENED BODY (AND MIND).
• MORE PRODUCTIVE: SINCE I TRAIN IN THE MORNING BEFORE WORK, I WAS EASILY EXHAUSTING ALL MY ENERGY BEFORE AND ARRIVING TO WORK AT 9AM TIRED, FATIGUED AND JUST DONE. GETTING THROUGH THE DAY WOULD BE A GRIND, AND IT’S NO WONDER I TURNED TO SO MUCH CAFFEINE TO JUST FUNCTION. NOW I LEAVE THE GYM WITH ENOUGH ENERGY LEFT IN THE TANK THAT I CAN DIVE STRAIGHT INTO MY WORK WITH A CLEARER HEAD AND MORE FOCUS. IT’S HONESTLY SO NICE TO GET MY WORKOUT IN, BUT STILL HAVE SO MUCH MORE TIME AND ENERGY TO GET SO MUCH ELSE OF LIFE IN EACH DAY TOO.
• AESTHETICALLY? PROBABLY THE ONE ‘CONSEQUENCE’ I’VE BEEN SO NERVOUS ABOUT AND THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HEARING….TO BE FAIR, 4 WEEKS IS VERY LITTLE TIME TO NOTICE DRAMATIC PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES. FOR SOME REASON THOUGH I HAD IT IN MY HEAD THAT WITH SO MUCH LESS TRAINING AND MORE FOOD THAT I’D DEFINITELY PUT ON SOME MORE WEIGHT AND ‘FILL OUT’. THE REALITY IS, MY PROGRESS PHOTOS BETWEEN WEEK 1 AND WEEK 4 SHOW VERY LITTLE DIFFERENCE (IF ANYTHING I LOOK VISIBLY LESS INFLAMED!), AND MY WEIGHT HAS ACTUALLY DROPPED AROUND 500 GRAMS. THIS IS SIMPLY THE RESULT OF MY BODY SLOWLY ADJUSTING TO LESS STRESS, LESS INFLAMMATION, PROPER PROGRAMMING AND ADEQUATE NUTRITION AND REST. I AM STILL A LITTLE SCARED OF HOW IT’S GOING TO CHANGE FROM HERE ON OUT, BUT IT JUST HAS TO BE MY LAST FOCUS. IF I CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE ALL THESE BENEFITS AND PROVE TO MYSELF MORE AND MORE WEEKS TO COME THAT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT EXTREMES, SELF-SABOTAGE AND DISORDERED HABITS, THEN I’M WILLING TO BE AT PEACE WITH WHATEVER MY BODY LOOKS LIKE. AS MY COACH REMINDS ME; THESE 12 WEEKS AREN’T A BODY COMPOSITION TRANSFORMATION FOR ME, THEY’RE A KICKSTART TO A TRULY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE.

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SO ALL IN ALL, IT’S STILL VERY EARLY DAYS, AND I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO OVER THE WEEKS TO COME, BUT I JUST WANT TO GIVE A LITTLE HOPE AND A TINY KICK UP THE ASS FOR ANYONE WHO IS STUCK IN THEIR OWN LITTLE HELL RIGHT NOW. I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO CHANGE. I KNOW YOU WANT TO KEEP DOING WHAT FEELS RIGHT, AND SAFE, AND COMFORTABLE. BUT PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES, AND SERIOUSLY, IF YOU’RE NOT HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’RE DOING FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW - THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU KEEP DOING IT?! 
JUST REMEMBER THIS;

'THE CAVE WE FEAR TO ENTER OFTEN HOLDS THE TREASURE THAT WE SEEK’
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