I feel like I’ve been engulfed by a big cloud of sadness and frustration for so many weeks now, and I’m torn between wanting to hide away or to just be honest and upfront with how all this mental stress has affected my physical health.
I’m not going to beat around the bush - I've been experiencing daily bouts of diarrhoea, my lower abdomen and back are constantly distended, I'm holding onto so much water, I’ve consistently been gaining weight, I’ve visibly lost muscle and I’ve gained fat.
None of this has been in a controlled, healthy or desirable manner.
Yes - weight gain has been a goal of mine for a few years now following my ED, but this recent gain has felt nothing like the gain’s I’ve achieved for myself in the past.
This is my body sending me a sign that something is wrong - this is not my body thriving.
Weight gain has always been something I've associated with fear - but throughout recovery from my ED it was also something I happily came to experience could be accompanied with improvements in my physical and mental health.
This time around though? My energy levels haven’t increased, my strength hasn’t improved, my moods are lower than ever, and I just don’t feel healthy. I feel like I’ve completely lost control of my body and no matter how diligent and consistent I remain with my eating and my training - I’m losing all feeling of wellbeing, fitness and happiness.
My gut instinct is to slash my calories and to add more cardio to “strip away” this uncomfortable new space I’ve come to fill. I can’t even explain how f*cking hard I’ve fought to not give in and do just that. The mental battle of NOT relapsing has been exhausting as it is, but I’m fighting even harder than just "pushing through" and barely keeping my head above water. I’m taking action and proving to myself that what I need now is ENOUGH food, and MORE rest (see my post on Cortisol and Body Composition to explain why)
I need to step back, and accept that my body is acting out of stress and fear. It’s literally protecting itself from me, and while it’s the most disheartening realisation ever, it's also liberating to know that it's up to me to change this.
So, the solution now is to be loving and proactive and to show my body with consistent action that I really do want it to heal and to regain it’s strength and vigour again. Yes, I've put it through years of destruction, hatred and careless disregard.....but that's all about to change.
I'm writing a separate post on tips for reducing cortisol/stress, regaining self-love and rebalancing my hormones, but for now, here's a brief run down of what I'm prioritising:
There's more detail to come, but basically, I’m doing what I can to push through this little revolt my body has thrown against me, and I’m getting it back on my side again.
My body has endured chronic stress, so now it needs to experience persistent and ongoing rest, love, compassion and patience - something that feels mentally foreign, but also overwhelmingly right.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.....so here's to turning over a new chapter of true health and happiness with my body xx
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